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The problem: the punishment model has no place in parenting or learning. Punishment must start being a last resort, in education not the go-to response to everything. The solution is grace, empathy, kindness and modeling compassion every day, every moment so that is what gets LEARNED. I experienced the punishment model, as many of us do. I was told simply I would be “good or dead” and any tears was met with “do you want a reason to cry” followed by “keep it up and I will knock you into next week.” AND THIS was GOOD parenting. Can we just stop? I guess not. If I had one genie wish it would to spend time with my children when they were little again. I used punishment, and I hope I did not over use it, but I might have, and I regret it entirely. It is really my single regret in life. My kids were so cute, so loving, so wonderful and still are. Life lifes enough, and everything is quite difficult. I truly do want to make everything just a bit easier for my kids, I am sure I help them a bit too much and am gearing up to stop.
A typical boy, and some girls get to school 2 minutes late and already are starting the day before 8AM with the promise of detention, then onto math where they are not prepared but cannot borrow a pencil and receive a test that might even be a grade of D or F, continue to English where they are now disregulated and can not find the words to start a paragraph on anything. On to another class before lunch, getting yelled at for his head down on a desk. Lunch with money forgotten and now is in survival mode, free lunch? After lunch do you actually think there is going to be productivity after this day?
I had a 10th grade student once who refused to even hold a pen or pencil, be refused to do work but did attend school every day. He was an alcoholic and had no one to encourage him, every night very very difficult with his alcoholic parents at home. One day he started doing some math with a marker on poster paper in my classroom- that’s how we do it if a pen or pencil is not the ideal for a student. Just try, nothing has to be “right” yet. Well time went on and he passed a test. I told him to bring it home and put it on the refrigerator, he did smile and immediately told me to take it home and put it on my refrigerator since no one at his house cared about him or his test at all. I did, I had that test on my refrigerator with his name written on it in marker for a long time.
How about this instead: coming in 2 minutes late and met with a smile and assurance that administration is glad he made it to school, great job and I know you can get here before the morning bell tomorrow. Heading into math, knowing exactly where to borrow a pencil as all teachers have plenty of supplies for all students every day. Does this impact the test grade? Obviously, but if not, how about using proficiency based grading with directed help to retake the assessment and be more ready for it, does it really matter as long as the learning happens? Emotionally buoyant, knowing he is cared about. He helps another student in his next class find the right words, helping himself write as well. Lunch is free for all students. And after lunch he is still wanting to do his best.
Instead both boys and girls are full of anxiety, being punished all day everyday. Coming into my room between classes crying, shutting the door, needing a little hug or smile. How hard are they supposed to try when it is not the norm for them to be treated with compassion and kindness?
How do I act as a teacher? I am happy to see you today. No worries- we will get that assignment done together or you will have someone to work with. If I do not have time to work with you one-on-one today, we will get to it tomorrow or by the end of the week. All assignments are accepted through the end of the term and I will help you after school to complete them all successfully, if that is what you need. There will be snacks and a call home to say how much I appreciate your effort. Can all these kids want to be computer scientists and build robots? Yes, they can- but it is the way they are treated while they are learning with me that makes students feel like this might be a career path.